Bago Ka Magpakamatay

Read in Baklang Maton's post about his plans to kill himself inspired by my post.

Now, understandably, the human condition has certain circumstances where life episodes can pile up, and one can't help but feel the weight of it being insurmountable. Hardwired to either take flight or hold ground and fight, sometimes we take the option to simply drop everything, and roll over dead. It's a solution "logical" to the human condition if you take into context how we rationalize problems.

If I'm going to be the go-to blogger for suicides, then we might as well all take a moment to do it properly. Here are some things you should think about before you kill yourself.

1.) Clean your room - If you're going to take a French exit, better make it a clean one. It's bad enough that you're leaving all your loved ones to grieve, imagine how much worse it would be if they discover your stash of granny porn (or for most of my readers, that Bear Biker Bangs Son DVD your professor burned for you). CLEAN YOUR ROOM. Make sure you get rid of baggages that will embarrass those who care enough for you to get embarrassed by your shit. ALSO, you have pretty good stuff, maybe when you're gone, other people can benefit from whatever you've hoarded. Those comic books? Give them to someone who'd keep them in mint condition. Your laptop, your PSP, hell, even those half-full perfume you keep. Give them all away. You wouldn't be needing them where you're going. Make sure everything you have is well disposed of before you dispose yourself. Just because you can't deal with your mess doesn't mean someone else has to.

2.) Fuck the Police - Well, not literally. Ok, maybe literally. Fuck the authority figure in your life. You're going nowhere anyway, might as well challenge the authority figures. Give them a piece of your mind. Your parents hate you for being gay? Give them one big FUCK YOU. Your lover for 8 years left you for someone younger ? Sing it with me and Cee Lo: FUCK YOU. Your professor failed you again, your boss passed you on for a promotion, bank's knocking at your door repossessing your car: F-U-C-K, HEY, Y-O-U. You ARE a HUMAN BEING, and you have ALL THE RIGHT IN THE WORLD to assert HOW IMPORTANT YOU ARE. Don't EVER EVER EVER let anyone make you feel like you don't have the right to tell them to fuck off when they so rightly deserve it. You have the RIGHT to scream it in their faces: FUCK YOU. Because God made you beautiful, God made you right, God made you strong enough to fight, God gave you the right to live in this world just as much as they do. So fuck them, fuck them very much.

3.) Blow Your Own Mind - Listen, in a few minutes, you're going to kill yourself. How about blowing your mind with ecstasy before you do? Go ahead, try E, try shabu. Eat 3 pounds of chocolate in one sitting, have sex with a stranger, spend all your money on a ticket to Amsterdam, take a dildo and ride it till you come. There's absolutely NO REASON for you not to enjoy the best that life has to offer if you're planning on quitting anyways. You know what, here's a challenge: If you're so decided that you're going to kill yourself soon, why don't you go to the mall right now, approach an attractive person (be it a guy or girl) and introduce yourself, have a casual conversation about anything you can think of. Scared of getting rejected? Who cares, you're quitting tomorrow anyway. Buy a fuckin' basketball, find a court, and see if you can make 100 hoops straight. Afraid of failing? Who cares, you're killing yourself tomorrow anyway. Go to an art store, buy stuff, and draw all the shit you've always wanted to draw. So what if all you come up with is shit? You're dead to the world soon anyway.

4.) Write a Letter - This is a MUST. Look, when you're dead, people will be wondering why you did it. Even if you don't want to give them an answer, they'll probably come up with their own theories. Do you want them thinking you killed yourself because you're heartbroken, when you totally have another reason for killing yourself? People will formulate theories, people will believe the stories they want to believe. They will think you killed yourself because you're failing math, because you're a lesbian, because you're short, because your musical career's failing. SET THE STORY STRAIGHT and give them ONE HELL OF A TELL-ALL. Tell them everything. Don't start at the beginning, START IN THE MIDDLE. Start with why you've chosen to kill yourself in that particular manner. Work your way to the beginning. Tie everything up in the end. If you have quite a story (and I believe you do for you to actually put that blade against your vein), then you better start soon. Get a notebook with good paper, and a reliable pen. Start writing. Don't hold anything back. You're dead anyway, you have nothing to fear about getting judged.

When you've done all these things... I'll make you a bet.

I bet you'll find that with all of its shit, life can still be worth living. If only for the sheer joy of telling them to fuck off, of telling someone how bad you're taking it, of giving away something of value to you to someone else who'd treasure it more.

Because, goddammit, life is wonderful. I cannot express how amazing life can be, and you'll never know how mindblowing good life can be, if you don't let it show you, if you quit now, if you can't give it the time to show you that, fuck, life can be good, and you can be happy.

You CAN be happy.

http://www.formspring.me/boydujour 

The Boy's Back

Ok, so some of you missed me. Most of you didn't even notice I was gone. Anyway, to those of you who actually felt the unbearable weight of my absence, I owe an explanation.

At some point last year, I met an old friend. We were blockmates in college, and she's now working as a Marketing-something for a company that makes canned goods (mostly tuna; and NO, you don't get points for guessing correctly). She and some of her friends were drinking and generally in thrall of some debaucheries that were taking place in a Karaoke room in Trinoma. She went out for a while to get a sundae at the nearby McDonald's, bumped into me as I was about to go to Timezone (when deep in thought, I like to spend serious time with the shooters), and she, in her drunken state, dragged me to their room and made introductions.

One of her friends was a guy who kept laughing at my jokes. It was an IOI (Indicator of Interest), and I made a move sometime after they ordered another bucket of San Mig Light. I told him about my work (my LEGAL one), and that I do take "clients" on the side.

"What clients?" he asked.

"Lonely ones. Those who need to talk with someone who'll listen." I paused, letting the innuendo sink in. "I'm a psychologist, remember?"

"Oh." He was obviously taken back. "Do you mean... do you think... Are you saying I need one?"

"No. I'm not saying anything at all. Except that if you know someone who does need some companionship, feel free to refer me."

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After that night, I received a message from that guy the next weekend.

"Are you free right now?" read his text message. "Can you come over my place? I'm alone."

I replied: "Send me the address."

He sent me his address. It's in Makati. I hate Makati. I hate the stupid traffic laws of Makati, the lack of decent parking spaces.

"Hurry," his next message said. "I think I'm losing blood too soon."


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Dear Theo Martin

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